More Than a Common Cold

Have you ever been so sick that you were convinced you weren’t going to wake up tomorrow? Ya, that happens to me when I get a common cold. Fellas, you know I’m not alone here. We get sick, open our phones, go to google and start typing in our symptoms in and in .01 seconds we’re convinced it’s cancer. Terminal cancer. And all of a sudden our runny nose is a sign that the tumor in our brain is the size of a softball. Our cough has revealed that the watermelon size tumor in our lungs is ready to pull the plug. God forbid we have body aches, fugettaboutit! Lights out. 

Oddly enough I wake up 2-3 days later and I’m still alive and can breathe, no more cough, body doesn’t hurt. immediately I think the cancer is in remission. No, I will not accept that it was never there. It was because it’s the only thing that could bring all this manliness to his knees. A silly little cold could never do that, right? Psshhh, not me!

31 years ago my life forever changed. And EVERY year I get the super flu, the one that no doctors office seems to have medication for. The kind that has me convinced I’ll never recover, and often convinced I won’t survive. There are some years it feels like a common cold, and we know how I react when I have the cold... Other years it’s the swine flu combined with the zombie virus from The Walking Dead. Paralyzing isn’t a big enough word for its effect on me. 

Every year starting the last week of February through my Birthday I start having these dreams that are strangely familiar and yet frightening. I knew my dad was hurting based on seeing him randomly crying for no reason, or the hours of silence while he worked in his shop, but I had no clue how hurt he really was. Over the last 30 years I have these visions/dreams of what my father must have been feeling and dealing with in the days leading to his final decision. With today being the day before, I've been overwhelmed with wondering if he knew that tomorrow he would take his own life? What happened tonight that was so bad that he couldn't deal with it anymore? I know someone in there he knew because he gave me my Birthday present early, so he knew he wouldn't be around for it, right? You know what these thoughts are? It's the equivalent to when I have a cold typing symptoms in to Google to find out I have cancer. It doesn't do me any good because the interwebs can't run X-Rays, MRI's, blood test, therefor it has no idea what's actually wrong with me. So while I may not be able to stop some of these dreams from occurring, I don't have to feed them when I wake up. I'll never know these things. Never. I need to stop googling "Why did my dad take his own life?". I'll never know the real reason why. And I need to accept that. 

It deeply impacts those around me. Often the ones closest to me. My wife, kids, closest friends and the people that often look up or to me for strength, guidance and leadership. I fail them every year. Same week or so. Predictable. I wish I could just tell them how much I’m hurting. I don’t because it’s not their burden. Plus, I honestly don’t even know how to put it in words. Hence why I’m writing again for the first time in a long time. Accept my apology. Know it’s not you. Know I want to be strong. Know I work even harder during this season to be the person you’re used to being around. But also know, I’ll be ok, I’ll be better than ok. I promise. I’ve learned enough about myself and this plague to navigate it and survive. I can’t promise I’ll be the same loud, funny, witty Jack, but I’ll get through the season. 

So what I have learned about myself through this? I’m just a big baby when I get sick. It passes. Maybe not as fast as I hope, but it passes. And at some point I’m back to myself. I’ve learned that this virus isn't terminal. I need to surround myself with those that love me most, not distance myself. I need to stop “acting” like everything is ok during that season. It’s not ok. I hurt, I’m in pain, and that’s ok. Reminds me I’m alive and that I loved my father, reminds me I miss him. A lot. I need to remember I can change the future of my family and my sons life. I can do that. Even in my brokenness I can build 4 boys to become caring, loving men. I have to let my wife be my foundation. I need to accept in these moments she can carry me because she loves me and wants to do this for me. I know she’s strong enough and I need to accept that. Most importantly, this season will pass. Doesn’t mean the next one won’t be harder or last longer. But each season I’m learning more and more about myself that prepares me for the next one. 

If you’re someone hurting or have a reoccurring season of pain, I hope you know you’re not alone. I certainly don’t have all the answers, I often have more questions than answers. But I know I’m not alone. I’m reminded often of how hurt people are. I see friends hurting even when they try and . I want to encourage you. I want you to know that I’m right here with you. I know it doesn’t seem like it and maybe it frustrating to hear this, but it can pass, it will pass. Doesn’t mean it won’t be pure hell, doesn’t mean on the other side of it you will be the same person, because you won’t be. 

I’m going to win this battle because my wife matters more to me than accepting the darkness. My kids mean more to me than them watching their father suffer from this disease. And because I want to be a role model to others with this disease that they too can win this battle. Because you can. I love you guys, even if I don’t know you, you matter to me. 

This is why..